Fights and quarrels are deeply rooted in our human nature. Every now and then, I stick my head into the preschool room and watch our little one's play during Sunday School. One minute, two children will be sitting next to one another, content with their toys. The next, one of them will be trying to take the other one's toy away and if she doesn't get her way, she is fully prepared to escalate the tug of war into a full scale war.

One way we try to solve problems is to fight against one another, and isn't restricted to the nursery. Something Al Grounds learned the hard way.

Al was happy to preach a week-long Revival at Calvary Baptist Church of Fair Oaks. And when the people responded, he gladly stretched the meeting to two, then three weeks. When Calvary's Pastor resigned, Calvary's deacons approached Al to become their next pastor. After all, everybody responded positively to him during the revival, they thought he'd make a great pastor.

At first Al resisted, but the deacons persisted until he finally said "yes." And when he came, the church grew like a wildfire. People packed the building from as far away as 75 miles unbelievable for a small country church. Everybody was happy, right?

Not exactly. Some of the locals didn't like the growth and started holding back their tithe and launched a whispering campaign against their pastor. Finally it came to a head when one of the ringleaders of the resistance stood up in business meeting and said, "This church is full of people who don't belong here. They don't live here, they don't know us, they don't belong. Now it's time for them to go." She continued, "I make a motion that Al Grounds be removed from the position of pastor and that all names of those living outside the city limits of Fair Oaks be removed from the church rolls."

The church didn't dismiss Pastor Grounds that day, but the conflict didn't go away either. A law suit, a suicide and a couple of years later, the church was shredded by strife, their witness destroyed. Broken lives left in the wake of pettiness and conflict.

It happens in the nursery, and it happens with grownups too people who ought not be fighting, go to quarreling. That's what happens when we depend on human effort, instead of turning to God to solve our problems.

James 4:1-3 "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? [2] You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel." You do not have because you do not ask. [3] You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures."

It is possible for two groups to feel equally impassioned about the rightness of their cause and the wrongness of the cause of their opposition, and for both groups to have only one thing in common, the depth of their religious convictions.

In his book, "Moral Purity and Persecution in History", Barrington Moore, Jr. writes, "Persecution often arises against a minority religious group that challenges the unchallengeable dogma of the majority. On both sides the issue becomes one of blasphemy. Both sides claim to be advocates of moral purity."

—"Moral Purity and Persecution in History", p. 117. Illustration by Jim L. Wilson

The first step for these opposing groups to resolve their conflict is to come to see their opponent as someone for whom Christ died. Then and only then can they find reconciliation.

2 Corinthians 5:18 (HCSB) "Now everything is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:"

Rows of drying laundry strung across the road between terraced balconies in a Northern English town may become a thing of the past after the town council ruled the washing lines illegal. The North Yorkshire County Council said the washing lines are illegally obstructing the highway, and says citizens who hang their clothes out to dry may face legal action.

The council's actions came in response to the complaints of David Painter who is in the middle of a long running dispute with his neighbors about the laundry lines. He complains that 37 lines crisscrossed the road last summer.

Area housewives vow they will continue the tradition despite the council's ruling. They say the tradition dates back to Victorian times when the terraces in the area were originally built. 64 year-old Margaret Hicks has been hanging her wash over the road for forty years, and says she does not plan to stop now.

Painter says he is amazed at how quickly the confrontation escalated. He says, "It's like anarchy down here…. I don't go around the back of my house any more because I get drawn into confrontation if I'm not careful." Painter would like to see residents switch to rotary dryers to solve the laundry problem.

—Reuters, Battle Lines Drawn Over Washing Lines, May 12, 2004. Illustration by Jim L. Wilson and Jim Sandell

2 Tim. 2:23-24 (NIV) “Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. [24] And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.”

New research has confirmed what students of the Bible already knew. The study conducted by the University of Michigan psychology department found that older people seem to know how to deal with conflicts and accept life’s uncertainties better than younger people. The results indicated the difference is not so much determined by how many facts a person knows, but is related to what could be termed “social wisdom.”

People aged 60 or older are generally more likely than those aged 25-40 or 41 to 59 to try to find ways to handle conflict, to see multiple points of view, to be more interested in compromise and willing to acknowledge there might be things about a difficult situation they don’t know. Professor Richard Nisbett, who led the project said, “I hope our results will encourage people to assume that older people may have something to contribute for thinking about social problems.” By the way, Professor Nisbett is 68 years old.

--Older really is wiser; http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/2147511,CST-NWS-olderwiser08.article; April 8, 2010, Illustration by Jim L. Wilson and Jim Sandell

Proverbs 16:31 GW Silver hair is a beautiful crown found in a righteous life.

In Fire Storm, Ron Susek writes, “It’s all too easy to assume that someone who intensely disagrees with you is either dead wrong at best, or demon possessed at worst. Be sure that the person is clearly sinning before God and not merely engaging in valid disagreement. What’s the difference? Valid disagreement is negotiable. People resolve issues, even at personal loss, for the sake of Christ. But those who have given themselves over to an evil-based disagreement hold forth rigid ultimatums. Saving face is more important than God’s glory. It is critical that you fast and pray until God reveals motives.”

--Firestorm, P.158 Illustration by Jim L. Wilson.

Acts 15:36-41 (ESV) “And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, ‘Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.’ (37) Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. (38) But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. (39) And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus, (40) but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. (41) And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.”

In Thriving through Ministry Conflict by Understanding Your RED and Blue Zones the authors write, “In conflict, the vast majority of the time, the problem is more in us than it is in the person with whom we are in conflict. So resolution does not come from winning or changing the behavior of the other person, but it begins with having the courage to look inside and ask probing questions of yourself.”

--Thriving through Ministry Conflict by Understanding Your RED and Blue P.29 Illustration by Jim L. Wilson.

Matthew 5:23-26 (ESV) “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, (24) leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (25) Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. (26) Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.”

“As contradictory as it sounds at first, the weaker the people perceive themselves to be, the more likely they will fight dirty or use violence. When one believes he or she is powerless against odds that are too much, he or she is likely to believe that covert action, “dirty” fighting, devious tactics, and violent acts are justified ‘under the circumstances.’”

Philippians 4:1-3 (AMP) “THEREFORE, MY brethren, whom I love and yearn to see, my delight and crown (wreath of victory), thus stand firm in the Lord, my beloved. (2) I entreat and advise Euodia and I entreat and advise Syntyche to agree and to work in harmony in the Lord. (3) And I exhort you too, [my] genuine yokefellow, help these [two women to keep on cooperating], for they have toiled along with me in [the spreading of] the good news (the Gospel), as have Clement and the rest of my fellow workers whose names are in the Book of Life.”

In Every Congregation Needs a Little Conflict, George Bullard writes, “Perceived truthful information is more powerful than truth. It is what people come to believe to be truth. It fits their preconceived notions. It fits their position on the conflict situation. They convince themselves and others that it is truth.”

- Every Congregation Needs a Little Conflict, Kindle Loc. 744-45 Illustration by Jim L. Wilson
As I reflect back on conflicts I’ve had in my life, I’m convinced that I wasn’t as right as I thought I was, and they weren’t as wrong as I thought they were. It reminds me today that I need to guard against taking unmovable positions and listen to others when they speak.

Proverbs 15:1 (CEV) A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up.

In Every Congregation Needs a Little Conflict, George Bullard writes, “Simply defined, conflict is the struggle of two objects seeking to occupy the same space at the same time. Purposes, objectives, or goals can be in conflict among individuals, groups, or organizations. Conflict is not an objective fact; it is a subjective experience. In another sense, conflict begins as a neutral value. People interpret conflict as positive or negative, healthy or unhealthy. The value assigned to conflict will help determine whether the conflict can be resolved or must be managed.”

Matthew 18:15 (NIV) "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

In Flickering Pixels, Shane Hipps writes, “Even though face-to-face conflict is often avoided in individualistic cultures, that doesn’t mean it goes away. Conflict simmers in the shadowy back alleys of relationships. Eventually, it will find more insidious ways to disrupt our lives if we don’t keep it in the open.”

Galatians 2:11-14 (CEV) “When Peter came to Antioch, I told him face to face that he was wrong. (12) He used to eat with Gentile followers of the Lord, until James sent some Jewish followers. Peter was afraid of the Jews and soon stopped eating with Gentiles. (13) He and the other Jews hid their true feelings so well that even Barnabas was fooled. (14) But when I saw that they were not really obeying the truth that is in the good news, I corrected Peter in front of everyone and said: Peter, you are a Jew, but you live like a Gentile. So how can you force Gentiles to live like Jews?”

In Flickering Pixels, Shane Hipps writes, “Without a framework for healthy conflict, diagnosing problems—let alone solving them—becomes extremely difficult. When we learn to welcome conflict as a natural part of human community, we can dispel some of its destructive power. In fact, under the right circumstances, interpersonal conflict can be a powerful means of growth and intimacy.”

Acts 6:1-7 (CEV) (1) A lot of people were now becoming followers of the Lord. But some of the ones who spoke Greek started complaining about the ones who spoke Aramaic. They complained that the Greek-speaking widows were not given their share when the food supplies were handed out each day. (2) The twelve apostles called the whole group of followers together and said, "We should not give up preaching God's message in order to serve at tables. (3) My friends, choose seven men who are respected and wise and filled with God's Spirit. We will put them in charge of these things. (4) We can spend our time praying and serving God by preaching." (5) This suggestion pleased everyone, and they began by choosing Stephen. He had great faith and was filled with the Holy Spirit. Then they chose Philip, Prochorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas, and also Nicolaus, who worshiped with the Jewish people in Antioch. (6) These men were brought to the apostles. Then the apostles prayed and placed their hands on the men to show that they had been chosen to do this work. (7) God's message spread, and many more people in Jerusalem became followers. Even a large number of priests put their faith in the Lord.

On an Air India flight the captain and his co-pilot had a difference of opinion. It grew into an argument that escalated to trading blows in the cockpit. The pilots agreed to stop fighting and complete the flight from Jaipur to Delhi to avoid inconveniencing passengers.

It is wise for us to realize that all conflicts bring inconvenience and many times worse to non combatants. It is especially something we should think about in our families and our churches. When mom and dad are fighting, the children are inconvenienced. When church leaders are fighting the whole church suffers. -- Jim L. Wilson and Rodger Russell

Philippians 4:2-3 (HCSB) I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche to agree in the Lord. (3) Yes, I also ask you, true partner, to help these women who have contended for the gospel at my side, along with Clement and the rest of my coworkers whose names are in the book of life.

In Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Sue Johnson writes, “To reconnect, lovers have to be able to de-escalate the conflict and actively create a basic emotional safety.” —Jim L. Wilson

Ephesians 4:26 (HCSB) Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,

When writing a screen play for a movie, the author needs to be aware of the importance of conflict. Without conflict there is no plot. The only way to make a story interesting is to have conflict between characters, internal conflict, or conflict with nature. In the arts, as in life, conflict happens. In the church, conflict between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of the world is inevitable. But we don’t improve the story of the church when there is conflict between the people inside the church. As far as it is possible, live at peace with all men. —Jim L. Wilson and Rodger Russell.

Caroline Hacker used social media to urge people not to park at the airport when she returned from her family vacation. Why? There were so many ants in the car that her eleven month-old daughter had ants crawling on her during the trip home. Airport officials offered to pay the cost of cleaning, and were willing to waive the parking fees for the weekend. They said ants tend to surface around this time of year, but they had never seen anything like this before.—Jim L. Wilson and Jim Sandell.

Conflict can spread like a colony of ants—it is always wise to go “private” with conflict prior to taking it public.

Matthew 18:15 (CSB) “If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”

The quick eye of a Goodwill worker in southern New Jersey turned up a valuable piece of U.S. history. The worker saw that a donated frame contained pages of an original newspaper from 1774 with the iconic “Unite or Die” design in the masthead. The pages from the “Pennsylvania Journal and the Weekly Advertiser” were dated December 28, 1774 and contained three items signed by John Hancock who was president of the Continental Congress at the time. Bob Snyder of the New York auction house Cohasco said the “rebel” paper shows the extent of anger and conflict between the colonies and England. He estimated the historic documents were worth between $6,000 and $16,000 dollars. Goodwill plans to sell the pages to raise funding for their education and job training programs in the area.—Jim L. Wilson and Jim Sandell

Proverbs 16:28 (CSB) “A contrary person spreads conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”

Mary Ziegler and Bill Henrichs were high school sweethearts who later married. Things didn’t work out however, and 23-years ago they were divorced. They kept in touch and remained friends. Then last year, Bill discovered that his kidneys were failing. All his family and some 40 family friends were tested as possible donors. The only match was his ex-wife. Mary agreed without hesitation to donate a kidney to the father of her two children. The transplant was successful. —Jim L. Wilson and Rodger Russell.

Mary Ziegler hopes her story will show others why it’s worth trying to get along after a divorce. It is always a good strategy to keep as many friends as possible. Bill and Mary didn’t allow their differences to overcome the things they had in common. Paul addressed two women in the church at Philippi that the right thing to do was get along.

Philippians 4:2–3 (CSB)² I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche to agree in the Lord. ³ Yes, I also ask you, true partner, to help these women who have contended for the gospel at my side, along with Clement and the rest of my coworkers whose names are in the book of life.

Two California drivers were willing to spend part of their evening vying for a parking spot and their struggle was captured and narrated by a neighbor who watched the events unfold. Mariah Flores saw the parking battle and dubbed the participants, the black car and the silver car. The battle began as the silver car blocked the black car from parking in the only space available on the street. The cars both put on their hazard markers and backed up traffic trying wait out the other driver. Horns beeped and other drivers squeezed by as the cars continued to protect the valuable parking spot. After an hour or so, Flores reported a “plot twist” when a vehicle in front of the black car pulled out of its spot and drove away. She said both cars quickly parking but the drivers sat in their cars for a long time before getting out. Flores said it looked like the drivers were afraid to see each other face to face after the parking battle. She told a reporter, “I wish that they would’ve gotten out and said hi to each other or something. I think everyone kind of was hoping for that.”—Jim L. Wilson and Jim Sandell.

https://www.foxnews.com/us/2-cars-spend-over-an-hour-fighting-for-parking-spot-in-los-angeles

Proverbs 17:14 (CSB)“To start a conflict is to release a flood; stop the dispute before it breaks out.”

The apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 6:1-8, informs us of the right way for Christians to settle disputes – that is actually better for us to suffer wrong, or be defrauded, rather than pursue litigation. Unfortunately, not everyone pays heed to that advice—Jim L. Wilson and Derick Wilson

David Ostram, from Paola, Kansas, has been engaged in a nasty divorce case with his wife Bridgette, from Harlan, Iowa. He claims that she, and her attorney, have destroyed him legally. His solution: he has asked a Kansas judge to allow him to have a trial by combat with his ex-wife and attorney. “He asked the Iowa District Court to give him 12 weeks to find katana and wakizashi swords for his requested battle, per the Carroll Times Herald, which first reported the request.”

Apparently, the US and Iowa Constitutions do not specifically prohibit battling another person with a deadly katana sword, but “it does prohibit a court sitting in equity from ordering same.”

If any of you has a dispute against another, how dare you take it to court before the unrighteous, and not before the saints? Or don’t you know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is judged by you, are you unworthy to judge the trivial cases? Don’t you know that we will judge angels—how much more matters of this life? So if you have such matters, do you appoint as your judges those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame! Can it be that there is not one wise person among you who is able to arbitrate between fellow believers? Instead, brother goes to court against brother, and that before unbelievers!

As it is, to have legal disputes against one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? Instead, you yourselves do wrong and cheat—and you do this to brothers and sisters!

In The Culture Map: Breaking Through the Invisible Boundaries of Global Business, Erin Meyer writes, “There’s a wise Bahamian proverb: ‘To engage in conflict, one does not need to bring a knife that cuts, but a needle that sews.’” —Jim L. Wilson

bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive.